A Christmas Story About Trust

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Today, I was surprised by someone with whom I fought constantly over the past few years, who entrusted me with a very ambitious project. I said “Yes”, but I knew from the very beginning I don’t have what it takes to do it, and I told him that. Nevertheless, his faith in me was flattering and I fell for it.
And it made me wonder... If you have a friend and she breaks your trust, is she still your friend? Can you still love her? Has Jesus still loved Judas after his betrayal? I don’t believe in Jesus the way most people do, but I do understand how someone can love another treacherous human being because that’s what I do, too. I love all the people I’ve ever met and became friends with, no matter what they’ve done afterwards. I do not judge. 

And I am still her friend, even if the porcelain has been broken to pieces, and I think after something like that you just know that person better, you know the limits where intimacy ends, you know the boundaries of sharing a password, and you can still be a lighthouse at the edge of a stormy sea, if the ship is willing to follow the safe path you’re pointing at. Even if that person didn't say "Sorry", I still care and I can still show faith. The radiance other people are spreading might be limited to serve their own interests, but mine is not. I can give my own light to others, without becoming dark myself, and maybe that is more in the spirit of Christmas than going to church every Sunday.

Moutzouris - The Pelion Train

Trains, elevators...They carry us from one station to another, from one floor to another, and sometimes it’s not the final destination that matters, but the things we see, the actions we take, the people we meet along the way.

Sometimes we arrive to the right floor with the wrong people, sometimes other people come into the elevator and turn your bad memories into beautiful moments. Sometimes the train stops into small villages that show you there are more ways to live your life. Sometimes the trains leave large towns with only one of the two passengers on board.

Some travelers look through the train window and admire the landscapes, others read or play computer games.

Some of them still have love in their souls. Others fight and use harsh words. Some long for the lost kisses, others just ignore what is around them.

Some enter the tunnel and find similarities with their lives. But sometimes, some of us, just ride and feel happy.

Strength

"Strength doesn’t come from not caring.Strength doesn’t come from putting all your feelings in a box and closing the lid. Strength doesn’t come from declaring something or someone a tabu and not talking about it ever again. Those who are indifferent are lucky, but they are not strong. Strength is when you feel the pain cutting you wide open and you choose not to let that change who you are."

(Aurora Popovici, the main character from my book)

I was blessed with several wonderful friends.

There is one friend who gave me a few inspirational books. I do not believe in the power of positivity but I’ve read them all; I’ve liked some of those ideas and I’ve applied them successfully in my day-to-day life. However, I don’t believe in denying the unpleasant things happening in your life and trying to motivate yourself by feeling only what suites you. You can wake up every morning and let yourself embrace that day only what brings you joy, but that would be a lie. Ignoring pain will not make it go away, on the contrary, it will allow it to hit you even harder when you less expect it. You’ve got to acknowledge the wound, and nurse it so it won’t kill you.

And there is another friend who went bathing in the waters of Acheron and to whom I was telling about Charon’s boat. I believe as long as we are alive, we can have that boat carry us wherever we want to go. To the good side or to the bad side, to happiness or to depression. But we got to feel both of them in order to understand the legend. Denying pain is not crossing the river. Choosing to do only one thing at a time, choosing to feel only one thing at a time, that does not help to build bridges to the other side. Strength comes when you know both, you set the boat on fire and you walk on the water to the shore.

Sfarsit de Martie

Ganduri de sfarsit de martie (copyright to Alina Caloenescu). Un coleg mi-a zis ca par trista. Ireversibil trista. Imbatranim. Energia paleste, putin cate putin. Intalnim alti oameni pe drum, care dispar si ei. Dar gandurile? La fel de ghiduse ca altadata? Iubirea? La fel de pasionala ca in tinerete? Intelepciunea? Asta nu ar trebui sa se estompeze, ci sa creasca. La mine nu prea...

Mi-am propus ca timp de trei zile sa nu ma mai enervez, de nimic, nici la munca, nici acasa. Am fost intrebata cum am facut. Ei bine, la mine la serviciu nu te plictisesti niciodata. Ieri a inceput auditul. Azi a venit control de la ITM. Am fost agitata, da. Ocupata, da. Dar nu m-am mai enervat. Pur si simplu, am inteles ca oamenii aia trebuie sa-si faca si ei treaba. Sau sa caute o spaga mica, inainte de Pasti. N-am de ce sa ma umplu de spume si clabuci. Fiecare cu treaba lui. Muncesc mult pe bani putini. Asta nu-i motiv de enervare. Doar un stimulent sa devin un negociator mai bun pe viitor.

In viata personala recunosc ca nu prea mi-a iesit. Mi-am promis sa fac sau sa ma abtin de la a face cateva lucruri, n-am prea reusit. Intr-adevar, m-am suparat putin, dar nu cat sa intru in depresie. Si mi-am revenit pentru ca e luna plina in seara asta (luna albastra, ultima pana in 2020), cerul senin si o lumina feerica, care induce ideea ca atata timp cat suntem in viata, orice este posibil. Conteaza kilometrii pe care i-ai facut singur, nu cei pe care ti-i arata indicatorul de bord. Plus ca acesta se mai si strica, uneori. Conteaza oamenii pe care i-ai intalnit pe drum si cu care ai vorbit, nu marca masinii si anul ei de fabricatie. Si mai cred ca e important, pentru a ramane calm, ca atunci cand iti place foarte mult un lucru, cum imi place mie sa scriu, chiar daca stii ca nu-l faci bine, sa nu-ti impui sa nu-l mai faci. Aici inca n-am gasit un echilibru, mai vedem.:)